God Exists Within You: A Billy Lee Black FST
as posted to fst (songs first, commentary & cover at the bottom).


+ the songs! +


+ 01 // Border Journey // David Arkenstone (from Return of the Guardians)
Sounding much like a cut from the Xenogears soundtrack itself, eastern-style instruments, vocals. Music for the beginning of a journey, for looking within and putting one foot in front of the other. The deity Billy first knows: God as shepherd in the metaphorical desert, God as provider.

+ 02 // Flight Over North Rim // Nicholas Gunn (from The Music of the Grand Canyon)
Beautiful flute. There's so much movement in this song, so much vast untouched sky-- For Billy, flying in Renmazuo (did I mention the giant gear?) like some unfallen Icarus, riding that much closer to the heavens. I imagine Billy can't help but feel near to God, in flight.

+ 03 // The Fighting Priest // Ailsean
[Remix of "Ship of Regret and Sleep" (from the Xenogears soundtrack, original by Yasunori Mitsuda)]
Fantabulous mix from Ailsean, found on Overclocked Remix. Here's the Ethos theme, which is originally presented on the harpsichord, on guitar-- faith with an edge, God behind your guns. There's just the slightest tinge of melancholy, for the fallen state of the world, necessitating the faithful to wreak violent retribution. But not too much melancholy. ("Yeah! Bang!")

+ 04 // Fundamentum // Lesiem (from Mystic.Spirit.Voices)
Sort of a cross between standard Gregorian chant and Enigma, with a dash of tasty organ, bells, and percussion. God on his throne, dispensing judgment-- God in the form of the Bishop Stone. ("Even if that were true, we have no right to punish others! Judgement belongs to God. That is what we were taught, wasn't it!?")

+ 05 // Cristofori's Dream // David Lanz (from the album of the same name)
For lonely moments, uncertainty in the night, perhaps. After Jessie has returned to the orphanage and Billy is troubled in his heart-- sitting in the room behind the bookcase and praying for the children's health, and the next day's food, and his sister's smile. Longing for a sign from God and not seeing the ones right in front of him.

+ 06 // I Call to You // Jeff Johnson (from Prayers of St. Brendan)
Aquvy, where Billy's orphanage stands, is an island in a vast ocean-- so I hope you'll forgive the St. Brendan and Irish comparison, here. Billy sensing something in the water, so to speak, seeking guidance through the tribulations and the unfamiliar.

+ 07 // Fire of the Spirit // Hildegarde von Bingen (from Illumination, compiled by Richard Souther)
I suppose it's cliche to call vocals "haunting," but this has a vaguely unsettling quality to it; the rhythm and the sweet vocalizations really get under my skin. Also, I'm not sure why, but the tonality of this makes me think of the sisters singing in the Nisan Cathedral (Agnes = Hildegarde?). Something very personal, the kind of God that can be found in quiet meditation-- the flip side of that Heaven Cent, a different facet of God, new to Billy.

+ 08 // Gabriel's Oboe // Ennio Morricone (from The Mission, movie soundtrack)
Maybe this was an obvious call; I apologize. But-- harpsichord! And oboe, I cannot refuse. The bittersweet sound of faith stumbling over obstacles; God as a voice to follow through the wilderness. ("Who is it? Who's calling me? I don't know. I don't know... What should I do...? You were waiting? For me...?)"

+ 09 // All I Ever Wanted // Prince of Egypt (movie soundtrack)
Ah, the turning point; the Ethos' betrayal. The whole Prince of Egypt soundtrack just feels Xenogearsish to me, not least of all for the Judeo-Christian themes underscoring both. This is for Billy trying to find his place, wondering how it is that all this time he's been misled. (And the final coda, perhaps, the voice of reason in Jessie, or in Prim, suggesting that this change is for the better.)

+ 10 // Flying Condor // Cusco (from Cusco 2000)
Genre is something like orchestral/synthesized South American, but with strings to die for. Billy, conflicted in his heart, knowing the truth of the Ethos, and wondering how true God might be hiding, behind or beyond it all. ("I... still can't believe it. The 'Ethos' was that dubious an organization. What was it that I believed in... all this time?")

+ 11 // Endless Night // The Lion King (Broadway soundtrack)
I adored this piece of music when it was just the instrumental on the original Lion King soundtrack, and then "Lala," on Rhythm of the Pridelands... but the addition of English lyrics only improved my opinion of this song. (For once.) Plus, the whole ambiguity of "Father" was too good to pass up. Captures that pivotal moment-- Billy betrayed by his church and the men he thought of as friends; Billy realizing his footing is shaky and he has to learn to find his own way. Billy, climbing Babel Tower.

+ 12 // Liberta // Lesiem (from Mystic.Spirit.Voices)
Because I couldn't decide between the two Lesiem songs, and also because the lift and swell of this song sound like waves breaking against the beach. The few English vocals in the middle might be slightly jarring, but I've grown fond of them... even to the point of finding them appropriate. Billy, praying for peace-- in the world at large, in his heart. (Especially considering the fact that the playable characters are fighting "God," at this point.)

+ 13 // Pillar of Salt // Star Salzman
[Remix of "Omen" & "Dazil" (from the Xenogears soundtrack, original by Yasunori Mitsuda)]
Another gem from Overclocked Remix; the snippets of chanting (that make it sound so much like Dazil!) can be found here. The theme from one of Xenogears' desert cities, interposed with the main "profound and unsettling things are being disclosed" sort of music (Babel tower, among other things, if you've played it). Billy, firing Fort Jasper, because he knows he must, but also knowing what it is he's destroying.

+ 14 // Heaven's Eyes // Prince of Egypt (movie soundtrack)
The desert culture described in this song reminds me so strongly of Bart, and Bledavik (his city), that this song just warms me up inside. Reassurance from friends and family; the dawning of a slow burning-bush realization that heaven-- though perhaps not what you anticipated-- may be closer than you think.

+ 15 // Bombay // Chris Spheeris (from Culture)
Everything that is Billy in Bledavik, with his family and his newfound friends, his eyes opening to something that just might be bigger than he is-- a God beyond the incense and the scepter and the confessional; a God in the marketplace, on the mountaintop, in the smiles of loved ones.

+ 16 // Hymne // Vangelis (from Opera Sauvage)
Thin, delicate melody on some indiscernible synthesized instrument: yes, it's vintage Vangelis. All the same it sounds like a wordless prayer, especially as it builds. A question and an answer, all in one; entreaty, and reassurance. ("It's not something anyone can do. The faith that enabled you to accomplish that was no deception... God exists within you!")

...Also! Two laughable bonuses for those of you who've gotten this far. Here are two tiny soundclips from the game itself. Since, um, they both mention God? Ahaha; don't hurt me. Credit where credit is due; these were snagged from the game by chitsujo; I found them on her great Billyshrine here. (In my personal cd-burn of this fst, I use these as bookends; they're both quite short.)

+ Billy loses a card game.
+ Billy wins a card game.


+ author's notes! +
(or, joy talks a damn lot)


For this month of fst-by-request; as suggested by rahaeli (and many thanks to her for it):

1.) The soundtrack must involve any character's relationship with his/her God or Gods;
2.) The soundtrack must not contain any music by an artist who has ever had a song on the Billboard charts. (Or, if using another country's music, their equivalent.)

...And so (as anyone who knows me can surely predict), this is my fan soundtrack offering.


+ an important note on genre +
(or, just why this fst is different)


The desire to bring this together has sprouted mostly from me looking at the strengths of my own music collection. I spent my early working years at The Nature Company (alas no longer with us), being exposed to all that great, varied, rich stuff that so often gets written off as "world" or "celtic" (or worse, lumped under that all-inclusive label: "New Age") music. ("Newage" ought to rhyme with "sewage." ;) Which, it's true, when all is said and done, may or may not be everyone's cup of tea. But I'd like to make a case that the genre's underappreciated, and that while all the same few artists are consistently overhyped (there's neither Enya nor Yanni to be found on this playlist, I promise), that there is great storytelling and emotional potential to be found in this kind of music. And, well, I also wanted to offer something a little nonstandard, a Billy-wrestles-with-his-faith soundtrack that doesn't include "Losing My Religion." (Though I admit I've made that playlist too. ;) So! If you're in the mood for something slightly different, feel free to give it a try. (Also, just nota bene: I've expanded the definitions of the genre juuust slightly, enough to include soundtracks I thought fitting. Go figure.)


+ a note on xenogears [and also billy lee black] +
(or, The Ethos... My Ethos...)
** includes game spoilers **


For those of you who don't do videogames, or are otherwise unfamiliar with Xenogears... there's more than can be said here, that's for sure, about the characters in that game and their relationships with God. (For one thing, one might say that God's sort of a final boss fight. Or that God's your mom. But I'm just being flippant.) But for the basic purposes of comprehending this fan soundtrack, mostly you just need know that Billy Lee Black is a young gunslinging priest in a religious organization known as the Ethos (a lot like your basic Anglican church: confessionals, crosses, clerical robes). He shoots like a pro, and at the close of each battle he kneels... thanking God for the victory? praying for respite from the string of random combats? chewing his knuckles and wondering why Bart's boots are so ridiculously big? Not mine to decide.

Dad (Jessie) taught him to shoot but skipped out on most of his childhood; Mom (Racquel) was killed by subhuman creatures (wels) when he was nine; kid sister (Primera) hasn't spoken a word since. Currently Billy runs an orphanage (by himself! at sixteen years old!), so that there might be "no more unfortunate children like his sister," as he puts it. During the course of the game (surprise surprise!) we discover that the Ethos is a sham, and has been misguiding the poor lambs (mm, tasty) who come to the church for salvation. For poor Billy, apparently perhaps the only person of rank within the Ethos who didn't know the truth about any of it, a crisis of faith ensues.

Things do look up, though, for as the game progresses we see Billy's improving relationship with his estranged father, and his deepening connection with his sister, as well as his gradual formation of friendship with other team members (read: Bart). And Jessie (a hard-drinking trenchcoat-wearing rifle-waving sort of fellow) has this speech about faith-- made all the more charming by the fact that it's spoken in the middle of a boss fight. Here's a bit (which, to me, sums up Billy's internal battle and eventual conclusion quite well):

"Billy, you know now, don't you? [Those] teachings were all a deception. That fabricated faith was just a worldly system for compensating those people with fragile souls. But, faith and God aren't things which are given to you from others, right? They are things you have to discover within yourself, and by yourself. Things that cannot be put into words, things that cannot be expressed... Isn't that what God is all about? [...] Your gun saved those people who were turned into reapers. It's not something anyone can do. The faith that enabled you to accomplish that was no deception... God exists within you! All right, now! Let's go, Billy go!"

Billy, to my mind, is a character capable of profound faith, and the plot-necessary jolt to his complacency really only strengthens his relationship with his God. And personally, I never tire of watching him wrestle with his angels.

...But either you know Billy or you don't, and the most important part of any soundtrack is the music, right? I tried to pick songs that were either emotionally evocative, reminiscent of the music from Xenogears itself (one of the better game soundtracks, in my own experience), or possibly-- if I was really lucky-- both.


+ the cover +
(or, how to tell joy's not an art person)



thanks to cymraes for loaning me the base image, all without knowing i'd mangle it to this state.


If there are any glitches with the downloads, please let me know! Otherwise, please enjoy. Feel free to comment, with thoughts or opinions, "i've downloaded" or "you've got to be kidding me," local weather forecasts, memories of the Nature Company-- whatever you like.