To the tune of "Agony," from Into the Woods, with apologies to Stephen Sondheim. Massive silliness warning, folks, and yaoi-ish warnings too (but it's all extremely goofy so does it really matter?). Many thanks to Tenshi, without whose late-night brainstorming this would be but a fleeting thought.
*enter Zax and Cloud, in ridiculously princey regalia, from opposite sides of the stage. each is apparently lovestruck and moaning.*
Cloud: *holding a scrap of red cloth to his cheek and looking wistful*
He sleeps in a coffin alarmingly often,
Bemoaning his sin.
A sick fascination with genes and mutation,
He's getting quite thin...
Agony! Makes you rip out your hair,
When the one that you love
Doesn't even acknowledge you're there...
Zax: *gazing listlessly northward, hand to his middle*
Now, five years later, he lurks in his crater
And summons a spell
Plotting Reunion, unholy communion
With his mother as well.
Agony! Far more painful than yours,
When the way he remembers you
Is impaled on his sword!
Both: *back to back*
Agony! Oh the torturous fire!
Zax: *hand to forehead*
He's my undoing--
Cloud: *sniffing the cloth in his hand*
I think he's mildewing--
Both: *holding each other's shoulders*
I'm mad with desire!
Am I not willing, submissive, alluring, effeminate, bottle-blond, girly, as tough as I'm sexy, and Sephiroth's clone!?
Zax: *can't help embracing him* You are everything SOLDIERs have trained for!
Cloud: *weeping on his shoulder*
Then why no?
Do I know?
The man must be mad!
Zax: *looks at him funny*
You know nothing of madness..
..Till you're hearing his BELLS and you're growing his CELLS
and you're called by him, just to be mauled by him--
Though it's different for each.
Zax: *reaching upward*
Always two ranks behind--
Cloud: *reaching downward*
In the cellar below--
Both: *reaching for each other*
--and he's just out of reach.
Agony, what a terrible plight!
I must have him, tonight...
*cheek to cheek*
*enter Vincent, stage right, missing a piece of his cape and looking ticked off; AND Sephiroth, stage left, icicles hanging from his hair and Masamune in his hand.*
Vince & Seph:
Cloud & Zax:
Eep! *exeunt stage front, running*