Strewn Stars


by llamajoy


love come quickly
because I feel my self esteem is caving in
it's on the brink
love come quickly
because I don't think I can keep this monster in
it's in my skin
--savage garden


"Thank you, Madame Pomfrey," said a muffled voice, on the other side of the portrait hole, and Sirius started violently awake, nearly toppling the common room chair where he'd fallen asleep not long ago.

As the Fat Lady's portrait swung heavily open, Sirius rubbed his eyes with an aggravated hand. He found himself shaking. Remus had better have an excuse for this, dammit, it was nearly DAWN. He'd only wanted to TALK to him, was that so bloody much to ask? They were FRIENDS for God's sake! It wasn't like he was being unreasonable--

His rant fell away when Remus clambered, without his usual easy sense of balance, into the common room. "Remus," he breathed, and his friend started like a hunted animal, his eyes so wide there was a ring of white around each grey iris. He stood utterly motionless, and Sirius stared at him, every doubt he'd managed to talk himself into fading irrevocably away.

"Sirius." The tone was Remus', yes, familiarly light and almost questioning-- but his voice was no more than an abused whisper. And his hands-- God, Remus-- his hands were clasped carefully in front of him, but Sirius could see the scratches, the angry lines of torn flesh that even Pomfrey would be hard put to heal and hide away. Remus turned his face, not meeting Sirius' heated gaze. "It's early to be awake, isn't it?"

Sirius was on his feet in a rush, unable to help it. "Where have you been?" he demanded, and swore silently at himself when he saw Remus wince. "You didn't come back all night," he tried again, aiming for bewildered concern and just sounding bitter. Still Remus said nothing, and Sirius blew a frustrated sigh up through his trailing bangs, dragging both hands through his already unkempt hair. After a long moment, he blurted, "Remus, I--"

"I am very tired, Sirius," Remus tucked his hands firmly into the sleeves of his robes, his voice barely audible. "And I would like to go to sleep." And he started past Sirius to the staircase.

Without thinking, Sirius grabbed him, meaning to take him by his shoulders and shake some sense into him if he had to--

He wasn't sure how he ended up on his back, shoulderblades aching and blinking confusedly up at the ceiling. Remus was kneeling next to him, murmuring apologies. "Sorry, sorry Sirius-- don't do that-- you startled me--" he moved to help Sirius sit up.

Sirius coughed, and didn't take the proffered hand. He eyed Remus warily. "Where in hell did you learn how to do that?"

Remus shrugged, but only a little, obviously still hurting himself. "Self-defense?"

It wasn't much of an answer, his back still tingling with the force of his fall. A bit awed, he nodded. "All right, so I won't try to manhandle you again. Sorry." Again he refused Remus' outstretched hand, wary of what strength he might find in his grip. For the first time it really occurred to him that his friend might be-- dangerous. He got to his feet stiffly, and suddenly there was an acute distance between them.

Remus, still crouching on the floor, bit his lip. "I didn't mean to-- frighten you," he said. His seawater eyes looked old and tired, then, and his voice sounded defeated. "I'll go on to bed, then."

Dangerous or no, he was still Remus, and Sirius nearly made the same mistake again. His hands faltered half an inch from Remus' arm, so close he could feel the cool night air still lingering in the folds of the other boy's robe. He drew up just short, Remus gone completely still before him.

"Hey," Sirius said, after a moment. Remus tilted his head a fraction, the barest sign that he was even listening. Sirius swallowed, and reached for Remus' wrist, running a tentative finger along one angry red weal. Remus flinched, but did not move away. "You-- you look in pretty bad shape," his voice wavered.

Wordlessly, Remus turned to stare at him, and Sirius could see the pulse fluttering in his neck, making his scar blush. "My mother--" Remus began, and Sirius blew up at his bangs in frustration.

"Once a month you go visit your mother," he spat, "really fucking convenient. Don't tell me she beats you, too?"

He'd gone too far, he knew it the instant the words left his lips. The muscles beneath his fingers clenched and he thought for a moment Remus would run--

But he merely turned his head away, making a thin small sound, like a young wounded animal. Sirius didn't know what he'd been hoping to goad from the other boy, but he realized it didn't matter, that none of it mattered, that he'd been an idiot.

"Remus, I'm sorry," he said, letting go his hand and letting him wrap his arms around himself, letting him step farther away. "Sorry. Just forget that I--"

To his horror there was bright wetness on his friend's face when Remus spun back around to face him. "You deserve to know," he whispered urgently, "I've lied--" And then his voice failed him, crying mutely with his knuckles pressed to his mouth.

Sirius stood there with his mouth open, until the pent-up words spilled out of him, as awkward as those silent sobs. "Aw, fuck. It's all right, Remus, I know." He almost wanted to hug his friend, but wasn't sure he wouldn't have ended up flat on his back again. "I already know."

Remus shuddered, as if something had broken inside of him at last, leaving him empty and quivering. "I thought you might have figured it out," he breathed, not looking at him. "...After tonight. And James? Or Peter?"

Sirius narrowed his eyes, belatedly realized that he hadn't seen his other two friends since Defense Against the Dark Arts. He'd spent the dinner hour hunting all over Hogwarts, expecting to find Remus in one of their favorite haunts. "I dunno, I haven't talked to them yet. Maybe they got it in class, too."

Remus looked surprised. "You haven't-- talked to them, yet?"

He shrugged. "Nah, I was-- looking for you."

"Well," Remus sniffled with finality, drying his face on his tattered robe sleeve. "You'll tell them tomorrow, won't you? So they'll know where I've gone."

Sirius was baffled. "What?"

The wan half-smile was so perfectly Remus that for a moment Sirius might have believed there was nothing wrong. "I wouldn't want them to worry; I'd appreciate it if you--"

He interrupted, unconsciously moving two steps closer, staring down at the other boy. "Remus, what the hell are you talking about?"

"When I get expelled--"

Sirius, catching on, actually laughed. "Oh, don't be an ass! Why would they?"

"But Kestrel practically told the whole class--"

"If the class is as dense as I am they'd barely notice, Remus, I only did 'cause I was-- so damn worried about you."

Remus barely let him speak, rushing on miserably. "--and he hates me, surely you saw--"

Sirius shook his head raggedly, hand on Remus' shoulder without realizing it. "Dumbledore should fire the smelly git for giving you such a hard time!"

"--and I left, last night-- without make-- making excuses." Remus choked, looking up at Sirius guiltily. Sirius had never seen him look so scared. He clutched the front of Sirius' robes, and his small hands were cold. He whispered, "There will be rumors--"

"You were with me," Sirius said immediately, firmly. "You spent the night with me."

Remus breathed, sounding disbelieving. He hadn't let go of Sirius' robe. "You'd--"

"And I think," Sirius offered, one eyebrow raised questioningly. "James and Peter would buy it, too, if you didn't want to tell them?"

Remus was biting his lip, something like hope happening behind his eyes. "Don't lie to them for my sake, Sirius, I-- I wouldn't mind if they knew." And, his voice quieter still, "I'm glad you know."

The silence hovered there between them for a moment, like an invisible owl on soundless wings, bearing the truth in her beak.

"Is-- is your mom okay?" Sirius threw him a lopsided smile.

Remus laughed a little, leaning his face, for just a second, against Sirius' chest. "My mother is fine," he assured him. His whole face was noticeably brighter. "Maybe a little worried about her son--"

"But she doesn't have any wasting illness?" Sirius prompted, finding himself laughing, too.

"N-- no." Remus' voice was unsteady with laughter, now, and not with grief, and Sirius found himself relieved.

Outside, the barest tint of dawn was bleeding pale across the dying night, and one by one the stars were fading.


~o~





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