The rope that's wrapped around me
Is cutting through my skin
And the doubts that have surrounded me
Are finding their way in
I keep it close to me
Like a holy man prays
In my desperate hour
It's better that way

The world was a dizzying place, spinning and rattling wildly with his slightest motion. He couldn't remember when he'd felt so weak, and the nausea would be far worse if there had been anything in his stomach. Nothing helped; his friends had left him here. He'd tried to convince them that it wasn't true, none of it was true. He hadn't done anything, hadn't killed any of them, couldn't they understand that he'd been set up? Didn't anyone trust him anymore?

Probably not- if they did then he wouldn't be here, in the cold dripping dark with the steady warm trickle of blood flowing down from his bound wrists, chill air seeping into his open shirt and through the gashes in his clothing. If the trusted him they would have been here to get him. Keiko believed in him, she'd convince them it was all a trick. It was okay, Keiko would be there for him; she always defended him.

He tried to lift his head but his flawed equilibrium lurched sideways, forcing him to his knees, ropes digging greedily into his skin.

That's right. Keiko was dead. They thought he killed her. He struggled to recall, surely such things should be sharper in his memory, shouldn't they? But all he could find was a blur of blood and fire; dark eyes, red eyes, green eyes turning to ice as they stared at him. And then turning away.

Wasn't there anyone else? Someone to clear his name? He could hear someone saying his name, someone that trusted him, that believed in him, that stood up for him..

"Koenma..."

Something that wasn't shedding blood warmed him, spreading slowly out from where his heartbeat used to be. Koenma. He wouldn't let Yusuke die here, would he? Unless.. would he believe what Kurama told him? What if he wanted Yusuke out of the way, anyway? What if he wanted Kurama? The brief flicker was doused, not even a wisp of hopeful smoke remaining. Blurred scenarios of the Kami and the Youko together invaded his mind, lit in the garish light of nightmare.

He shook his head violently, trying to dislodge images that were unwelcome. That wasn't it at all, really. It couldn't be. They would never..

How long had he been here? Days? Weeks? Not a blip of energy allowed him, barely enough to twitch fingers numb from the tight bindings.

Despair welled up in the cavity left by his drained ki, his shoulders shaking with strain as he attempted to push himself back to his feet. Bare feet found no purchase on the slick stone floor and he fell again, pain shooting up through his kneecaps and lancing along his back as his arms were wrenched upwards.

No one was coming for him.

No one. Kuwabara's pained rage sliced like glass into his memory; Hiei's blank expression as he turned away and Kurama's bitter disappointment stung like brine in his cuts. They were the Reikai Tantei; Koenma would believe them. Yusuke was dead to them all.

Something clattered, far away. Yusuke, entrenched in his own tiny reality, did not lift his head even when the noises became a riot outside his cell, the hiss of a Rei Ken and crack of a thorned whip reverberating over the silent hum of black fire.

The door burst open with a splintery protest, sound washing over him.

"Urameshi!!!"

"What have they done to-"

"Kurama! Behind you!"

"Rose Whip!"

"They're too many!"

"Stupid human, we can't fight in this hole. Force them into the hallway again."

"Will you-"

"You three fight, I've got him."

Motion sloshed wetly in his head, someone lifting him under his arms, taking the pressure of the ropes away. A warm body pressed against his back, there was a dismayed murmur in his ears.

Don't move me... unn... hurts... hurts everywhere...

"Yusuke?"

"I didn't do it, I swear I didn't do it."

Slender fingers worried at his bonds, struggling to undo blood-slick knots. "Didn't do what, Yusuke?"

"I'm sorry about Yukina and Botan... and Keiko... Koenma, you have to believe me. You don't have to take me back to the Rei-Kai to kill me. You can let them do it here... Hiei already said he would if he saw me again..."

There was a long pause, and first one arm then the other fell free, Yusuke collapsing back against Koenma. "Yusuke.. I don't know what they've told you.. we've been trying to get you for the past four days."

"Keiko-"

Footsteps reverberated on stone, the quick rasp of breathing after a fight.

"What's wrong with him?"

"I don't know. He's delusional."

"Urameshi? Why's he not looking at us?"

An uncomfortable moment, the sound of Kurama whispering something.

Yusuke blinked against the darkness. "Could you take off the blindfold, at least?"

Silence. Koenma shifted behind him, trying not to jar him, fingertips gently smoothing over Yusuke's hair. "Yusuke... you aren't wearing one."

A week in utter darkness will make a guy reconsider everything he's ever seen, Yusuke reasoned, sighing back against clean sheets. The bandage over his eyes annoyed him, but he'd catch it from Keiko and Botan if they caught him undoing it again. He was tempted to unwind the gauze anyway, just to hear them screech. It felt so good to hear them at all, like waking up safe and secure after a nightmare. He thumbed the repeat on his stereo remote, wishing he could go outside or read some manga or something. Kuwabara had brought over the CDs Yusuke most liked to borrow and there was a pale scent of roses from the vase Kurama had set by his bedside. Even Hiei had been by once, just a shadow darkening his window. A quick touch on his shoulder, a grudging word of concern and the koorime had vanished again. Yusuke growled at the ceiling. He wanted out. He wanted a cigarette. He wanted- He shut that thought out quickly, blaming post traumatic stress disorder (it was his favorite excuse, he used it often) for the notion. Honestly. It was being cooped up that was driving him to it. He'd be fine in a day or so but for now he was bored out of his mind.

And his mind was drifting. It had been doing so steadily while he recovered, mostly to cool velvet robes felt through rips in his shirt, to an arm encircling him and fingers undoing his bonds.

Why had Koenma run his hand through Yusuke's hair like that? And more importantly, why did Yusuke keep REMBERING it? He shivered despite the warm blankets piled on him, and gnawed a thumbnail in frustration.

Someone rapped on his door, probably his mother for the umpteenth time, once again asking him if he needed anything. "Yah?" He flopped back into his pillows, arms behind his head. "I tol'ja, I'm okay!"

"Well, I guess I won't inquire after your health, then."

"Koenma?" Yusuke turned his head vaguely in the direction of the door. "Heh. sorry... I thought you were my mom."

"Yes, well, we're so very much alike." One end of his bed dipped down, and warm fingertips brushed over his eyes, burning through the gauze as if it wasn't there. "Still sore?"

"Yeah, some, but my eyes don't ache anymore." Yusuke kept his voice level. Geez, this is Koenma for crying out loud, he spent most of his time being two feet tall and dressed in pink. To say nothing of the pacifier. That he'd held in his mouth for about five hundred years. I wonder what his tongue could- Yusuke mentally smacked himself. "eh- My head doesn't swim anymore when I move it, anyway."

"Hn. Well, Yukina said that I could take this off if you think you're up to it?" Yusuke tried, and failed brilliantly, to not make that sentence sexual. "Uh, yeah, well-"

The blinds rattled shut. "Hold still." The cold blade of a pair of scissors slipped under the wrap by his temple, shearing slowly through the fibers of his bandage and subsequently sending chills down Yusuke's spine. Koenma carefully unwound wrappings from Yusuke's head, untangling them from strands of dark hair that were unruly without the usual gel. "Give yourself time to adjust."

Yusuke opened his eyes to a world of bleary primary colors, muted by dim light from the shuttered window. Koenma was a smear of robes and white shirt, the stereo a green blob of LCD display. "Ugh."

"Good to see you too." Koenma's smile was clearer, Yusuke could distinguish the blue splash of pacifier and golden swirls of irises.

"Weird." Yusuke stared at his coverlet until he could detect the weave.

"Yusuke, I'm sorry about what happened to you- I feel responsible. You shouldn't have been attacked as openly as that, in the Ningenkai."

Yusuke was thrilled to look up at Koenma and actually see him. "It wasn't your fault. I'm Urameshi Yusuke, remember? Everybody wants a potshot at me." He grinned at Kurama's roses, blessedly red and not pink, as Kuwabara had tried to convince him they were. "No permanent harm done."

"I suppose not." Koenma rose with a sigh, glancing at his pocketwatch. "I should go. I'm sure work is piling up. Take care of yourself, okay?" He might have smiled, but if he did it was only along his eyes. "I'd hate to have to train another detective."

"Hey-"

Koenma paused, his hand on the doorknob. Yusuke flashed him a trademark wink. "Thanks for coming after me. And for coming to see me. You didn't have to."

Koenma inclined his head slightly. "I know." The door closed softly behind him, and Yusuke pondered it a long moment, trying to sort the tangle of his thoughts.

"Okay, but if you HAD to, who would it be?" They were walking down the street and Kuwabara was being hypothetical, gesticulating to emphasize his point.

Kurama glanced at the fire demon trailing along with them, and smiled faintly. "I know who it would be." He blinked as the tall human glanced at him expectantly. "But that doesn't mean I'm going to say."

"Geez, you guys are no fun. Hey Yusuke-"

"Don't even," Yusuke warned, from beneath shades to shield his still-sensitive vision.

Kuwabara snorted, scowling. "You just don't want to say cos it's.. Kurama, right? Huh huh?" He elbowed his best friend, and got a Rei-zot in his ear for his trouble.

"Baka." Yusuke shoved his hands into his jean pockets, glowering like the thunderstorm that was threatening. "what do you know?"

"Nothing, that's why I'm asking." Kuwabara was very fond of this logic, and preened in a passing shop window. "So if you had to sleep with a guy-"

"It wouldn't be any of YOU," Yusuke snapped, while Hiei looked oblivious and Kurama just smiled. Kuwabara had no idea that making love to a guy wasn't an act of desperation for Yusuke, and that his only partners were the two youko wandering along the ginza with them.

"That narrows the field considerably," Kurama commented, and Yusuke shot him a startled look. Kuwabara postulating on such matters was about as on target as a drunk nearsighted salaryman playing lazertag, but Kurama was half too clever. He might be able to worm out the truth.

"Yeah, narrows the field from everybody in the three worlds to everybody minus three." Yusuke swore softly as rain poured suddenly forth from the heavy skies, drenching the four of them as they made for the cover of a shop awning. The subject shifted from theoretical lovers to where they should go for lunch. Yusuke hung back as the other three stepped out after the cloudburst, watching his friends. The kitsune seemed to have lost interest in Yusuke's fantasies, but seeming and actuality were completely different spheres when it came to that one. Kurama might be able to figure it out, and Hiei too if he cared, but Kuwabara would probably just be baffled.

Ch'. What would they DO if they did find out? Laugh? He could well imagine what they saw when they looked at Koenma.. but then, he could have as much inkling into their thoughts as they could into his. Who's to say any of them even know who Koenma is? Yusuke shook rain out of his hair, irritably.

Since when did HE know? Yusuke trailed after them, wondering what each of them saw through their eyes.

If any of them saw through Yusuke's, would they want Koenma too?

He was undoing the bandages again, and not the ones over Yusuke's eyes. Those he left on, but a deft touch raveled bindings on his thighs and around his ribcage. Feathered kisses brushed along healed white etchings of scars, Yusuke's nose was full of his faint scent, otherworldly cinnamon and pomegranates. Soft hair made phantom trails over the newly unswathed skin of his abdomen, his chafed wrists were cooled with his breath and skin blossomed whole and uninjured beneath exhaled promises.

Yusuke twisted his hips, blind again but it was so very different, the coverings over his shut eyes were softest cobweb silk. Velvet robes sleeker than a kitsune's fur spilled over his spread legs and grazed his aching sex. A moan stuttered out from his clenched jaw, delicate bites prickling his nipples and those gorgeous hands wrapping around him, shaping the ache to fit his warm palms. Soft skin, not the grip of a warrior, sculpting him until he painted white ecstasy between them. Velvet wiped over his skin and a hot mouth closed over his, robes crumbling aside and satin slipping between his legs, warm and needy and blooming deep within his body. Yusuke stretched, lifting himself for more, cradling his lover body and soul.

Yusuke woke up sticky and swearing, the room too humid and plain cotton sheets an atrocity on his flesh after the dream of velvet. His fingers fumbled for cigarettes, lighting one with his will and exhaling smoke at the bangs partially obscuring his vision.

Five nights in a row.

The dream differed, differed in more exotic ways than he knew existed, even after several months of Kurama's influence. Instead of helping tame his obsession it only made it worse, he was distracted at best and they were just lucky it had been calm lately. Genkai had started to yell at him in training but stopped, her expression softening. She sent him home and told him to spend some time clearing his head, offering a rare pat on his shoulder as he sat in a dejected heap in her garden.

He ground out his smoke halfway, weary of it. This was getting ridiculous. He flopped over and jerked back up again with a startled noise of annoyance, grumbling up out of bed and stripping his sheets away. It was good that his mom had been having one of her oblivious weeks, otherwise she might wonder why he was changing his bedding everyday. Maybe she noticed anyway, moms were fucking weird.

Hot shower water hissed over his sore back. It should have soothed him, standing under the showerhead and blinking through the water to stare at the mismatched tile on the wall. Instead it made him remember the dream again, and the gurgling of the drain masked his heavy breathing as he balanced one hand against the wall and rid himself of the ache the only way he could.

He didn't know if he would ever have Koenma to himself again, or if his last death had been the only time the ruler of the Rei-Kai would lean his head against Yusuke's chest. He curled up again in new sheets, surrendering himself to the practice death of sleep and wondering if the Rei-Kai held sway over dreams, too.

"Was there anything else you needed?" Yusuke glanced over his shoulder, hands shoved deep into the pockets of his school uniform. Koenma rustled a few papers and frowned at one of them, a small line appearing between his eyebrows.

Yusuke kept his gaze squarely between Koenma's left ear and the back of his chair, not wanting to unravel his hastily formed insulation with one glance at the godling's long gold eyes or perfectly sculpted jawline. Why he chose today to be in adult form was beyond Yusuke, chalk it up to bad karma.

"Yes, actually." Koenma set the leaf aside and folded his hands on his desk, turning his frown on Yusuke. "Are you feeling alright?"

"Me?" Yusuke's voice warbled towards a crack but he locked it down, turning tense shoulders into a shrug. "Sure. Why wouldn't I be?"

Koenma sighed and pushed away from his desk, strolling around it and leaning against the front like a principle preparing to lecture a particularly delinquent student.

Yusuke knew the pose from long experience.

"Yusuke, Your teammates are worried about you. Botan is worried about you. Genkai is worried about you I'M worried about you. You haven't been yourself since, well since you were captured by that rim daemon." Koenma folded his arms and Yusuke held his breath, staring down the kami he desired and that he was in the service of, schooling his features into blank cool that was so useful as a gang leader.

"I've had a lot on my mind lately, is that a crime?" Yusuke's hands, buried in his pockets, clenched into fists. Koenma was worried about him. Koenma didn't think he was up to speed. Yusuke wasn't sure if he should be elated or royally pissed.

"Don't get defensive. Yusuke, I think you should take some time off. Don't worry about school, I'll have Botan take care of things. You've been through some rough psychological trauma in the past few missions and I think you need a break. Take the rest of the team along if you'd like, or go alone, whatever you need."

Yusuke bristled. "What, am I suspended? You gonna take away my badge or something?"

Koenma rubbed his temple and looked pained. "Yusuke, don't make this harder than it is, okay?" He crossed the space between them and put one hand on a taut shoulderblade. "I don't know what that bastard had you believing, but I know it would have probably made me snap. You're the best one I ever had, Yusuke- but even you need time off now and then. You aren't being punished."

"Do you always have to sound so damn condescending?" Yusuke tried to force heat into the words, but the fire behind them was out. He was beaten, he had been the moment Koenma touched him. The smile he was rewarded with almost made up for being hauled off duty.

Well, more than almost. "Alright. But I don't like it."

"Well, then, we can't have you liking it." Koenma walked back to his desk, the swirl of his cape brushing against Yusuke's legs. "Then you'd be begging me for time off, right?"

"Teh." Yusuke turned towards the doorway irising open in the wall, dark eyes glittering back at Koenma. "It'll be a snowy day in Jigoku before I beg you for anything."

Koenma blinked as the wall reformed behind Yusuke's departing shadow. Didn't he know that it was always freezing in hell?

Two hours on the bullet train and Yusuke was beginning to wish he hadn't asked. He was glad of his friends' company, he loved them and he would lay down his life for them in an instant, but right now he was ready to kill both of them. Between Hiei casting aspersions on all things ningen (mostly Kuwabara, who was absent) and Kurama taking any chance he had to get under the koorime's shirt, Yusuke was beginning to wish he'd walked to Hokkaido. His two friends' sexy playfulness usually amused him and more than likely turned him on, but he was in no mood for it now, glaring out at the countryside zipping by.

He'd considered at least a dozen different ways to tell them; he was smart enough to know that holding it in was probably what was causing all his problems. But he could hear Kurama now, rattling off something about how being rescued by Koenma like that had created some sort of infatuation complex, and Hiei would think being distracted by emotion was yet another human weakness. Yusuke didn't feel like arguing with them.

"Neh, Yusuke?"

"Huh?" Yusuke blinked, roused out of his thoughts by a kitsune's playful query. "What was that?"

Kurama frowned. "I'm glad you agreed to take some time off." He put his chin in his hand and surveyed Yusuke with thoughtful green eyes. "We've missed you."

"Hn," Hiei put in, as agreement, his sharp ruby eyes lingering on Yusuke's long legs draped over Kurama's armrest. "Bad memories are like poison. Spit them out while you can."

"Not the bad memories that are bugging me," Yusuke mumbled. Kurama quirked an eyebrow but dismissed the subject as the Reikai Tantei turned once again to the window. Hiei kept silent, however, watching Yusuke intently and wondering.

Yusuke woke with a start, biting down hard on the syllables that had tried to escape his mouth while he dreamed. He held tense and still, listening to see if anyone had heard, wondering if the phrase he caught in transit had been the only one he had uttered.

Kurama and Hiei were sound asleep, curled into small sated balls next to each other. Hiei's fingers were laced tightly in Kurama's red hair, Kurama cradled the fire demon in the curve of his body as if imitating his taller youko form. Yusuke let himself breathe, tongue flicking against the cut he'd made in his lip.

Blood. He hadn't tasted his own blood since-

Memories of his capture rushed back to him, horrible and vivid and he folded himself over, aching. His glance took a snapshot of Kurama and Hiei, and he pondered it for distraction. They were a yin-yang of light and darkness in bed together, perfect balance and perfect belonging of each other.

Yusuke asked himself suddenly what he was doing in bed with them. Oh, it was nice and they had a good chemistry, but what did he have that they needed? Nothing, really. It was not that they shut him out, but-

It didn't matter if the fifth wheel looked damn good on the wagon, it was still a fifth wheel. He shoved himself up and grabbed for his yukata, stepping into the small garden that bordered their room in the inn.

Warm night air kissed his face and he dangled his legs off the wooden deck, frowning at the lantern-summoned sparks on the small fountain burbling a few yards off.

"So. What is it that makes you moan his name in the dark?"

Yusuke started, his eyes meeting a pair of crimson ones. "I... damn." He frowned ruefully at Hiei, picking at the splinters on the deck-post. "I don't know. I want him."

"So take him." Hiei folded his legs and sat down next to Yusuke. The Koorime hadn't even bothered with a robe and moonlight turned his skin the color of new cream. "I don't think he would refuse you."

Yusuke shook his head slowly. "It isn't that simple. I'm distracted enough not having him, what would happen if I did? And if he DID refuse me? The team-"

"Ch'. Fuck the team," Hiei replied, reasonably. "You humans have emotions that aren't much different from demons'. The problem is you have to think about them and muddle over implications. If you want, take. If you don't, don't. If you can't, cope, or make it so you can. Even animals understand that much."

"I'm not an animal, Hiei."

Sharp fanged grin in the dark. "The hell you aren't. So what's it going to be?"

Yusuke closed his eyes, quiet for a long moment. "Hiei, would you do something for me if I asked?"

"Yes." A simple answer, testament of trust between them. "What are you asking?"

Yusuke took a deep breath, remembering pomegranates and cinnamon, velvet and sex. "Use your Jagan. I want to forget."

Hiei's eyebrows came together sharply, his eyes glittering. "Your emotion just a problem for you, is it?"

"You have who you want, Hiei. Imagine if use of your abilities, maybe even the lives of your friends, depended on your not giving into it. If it's meant to be it will happen again, the right way. If not-" he shrugged in indigo cotton. "then it doesn't. Besides. How do we know he can even feel... anything." Yusuke seemed to have just arrived at the idea, and didn't like it very much. He swallowed past his disappointment.

Hiei considered telling Yusuke that he wouldn't have to ask such a question if he'd been with Koenma during the four grueling days of the rescue operation. Something held him back, though, and it was an instinct Hiei had always trusted. In the end he said nothing, but reached up and slowly pulled the white band away from his forehead.

Yusuke gave himself up the to the violet light.

Hiei set the blade of his third eye to slice away infatuation only. He smudged the memories of Yusuke's capture and rescue, making them dull and painless, encrypting them to resurface if need or want for them arose. They would not trouble him, though. The keen edge burnt cleanly through threads of lust and need, shearing away the tangled knot around Yusuke's image of Koenma, disconnecting everything but loyalty and friendship and trust and-

One strand rang pure and gold and refused to be severed, glinting in defiance at his power, nearly blunting it. Even if he'd wanted to, he couldn't remove such a thing. Surprising, really, to find it there, tied to the prince of hell. Hiei blinked in surprise, then smiled softly to himself, and left it there.